My Grandma Is Getting Dicked More Than Me

My partner is about 6 years older than me. He’s in his 40’s and that muthafucka can’t be depended upon to give me the stroke more than 3x a week.

He’s busy, and so am I. He works in the private sector. I work at home. I’m in my late 30’s and my hormones are doing me a disservice. I’m in the mood when we lay down, but I no longer think about it every wakening moment. Books, covers, promotion, networking, branding–I have so many things on my plate. The time I could spend making my twat drip, resulting from my own freaky thoughts is used up on becoming a name brand that at least half your household knows.

Mr. Drama, he’s building the other end of our empire. Fucking and sucking for hours, what is that really?


The porn and I are always going to be thick and thin to the end. You know I watch that often, but as far as banging every night, nope, but we will have the later years. For all of us, sex gets better with time, and as we age.

If we were at these current positions in our careers, at younger ages, our relationship wouldn’t exist. In our twenties, monogrammed his and hers towels are as disposable as pantiliners–just open the box and get a fresh one. That’s the thing about older couples, we are more set in our ways, and that’s not as gloomy as it used to sound when we didn’t have gray hairs. It feels good and I want it to last.

In another ten years, the settling gets deeper for couples well into middle-age, and as life further settles, the sex ticks up in a climate perfect for spontaneity.

We have 4 children under the age of 18 between us. But let us crack those 50’s. Nuh uh! Non-factor! We fucking everywhere, at least until the bone loss sets in.

That doesn’t affect the jaw does it. Because the kids don’t need to know I broke mine while reminding Mr. Drama what that mouf do.

I look at our love as a growing, living thing that has to be well fed and nourished. Trust, we are solid. It will breath for decades, no life support here. We’ll be refining it, maturing this sex at our own rate.

Twilight, I look forward to late night stroking submerged in you, with me on top, him taking this dick washing exactly the same as I’ve heard Grandma tell she does with Grandpa.


Meet us back here Tuesday, July 1 when we give advice to a female swinger caught up in the mix with two lovers, one who is obsessed with her pussy, and she hasn’t even fucked her. 


Reader Email: Can Friends Just Be Friends?

The Eroticist’s Advice 

Here we are for another week with another reader wanting advice:

Can two friends of the opposite sex truly be in a friendship without having sexual thoughts about each other? Please advise.

–Signed, Fucking You In My MInd, But We’re Still Friends.


Dear Fucking You In My Mind,

This one is a toughie for me.

I don’t consider myself an average human being. In my mind, I can be in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and not think about fucking him. I know that many cannot do that, men and women.  Does it matter if he has the lips and nose upon his face that I am so attracted to? No, it doesn’t.


I am involved, so that may very hell have a lot to do with it. I’m satisfied with the person I am with, and secure within myself, and which does affect the circumstances. An insecure person is more likely to stray from what they already have, constantly needy for more sex from outside of their relationship to fill them up. Would an insecure person also look at their friends as possible conquests, or misconstrue love in a friendship as romantic love? Yea, I think they would.


Friends should be viewed close in our hearts as we do our siblings, or at least cousins. Off limits! You tell them all your worries and secrets, but no touching under the clothes, or masturbation to the sound of their voice. It’s just eww if you do.

Does the world share my unique view? Hell no! Most will say that no man can be trusted to be a woman’s friend. Again, weakness will make you easier to succumb to the calls of your carnal desires in the presence of a friend.

It’s called limits. Get you some.


Do some men and women use their friendship as a cover for their true sexual and romantic relationship? Yep! Do friends turn into lovers because there is something genuine there between them that needs exploring and establishing at the next level? Everyday,  but it’s still rare.

Advice Breakdown


To the woman who can’t stop thinking about the dick print in her friend’s pants, I say to you: shift your vision to the dick print in the pants of the man to his left. You don’t need the drama of insatiable thoughts about your best friend when he’s just trying to vent about his wife’s bad cooking and texting obsession. He needs you to be there for him. Do that. Find someone available to you in a way that won’t put you in the predicament to be lead into awkward territory and cause you to have to decide to give up someone who means so much to you or risk skewing a perfectly special bond into a relationship that could just as easily not work as any other you may get into.

Keep your friends out of the nasty corner of your mind, your bed, and your sex swing. Friends should stay friends only.

–Next week’s question comes from a reader who wants to know why some women can’t just enjoy the swinging and not catch feelings and how to keep her pussy utopia above ground. Subscribe so you won’t miss it when The Eroticist and Mr. Drama give their advice.

If you have a sexual thing going on you could use some advice about,  write to TheEroticistsAdvice at g mail dot com (make it look like a real email address before sending), and your question will be answered on this blog on Tuesday. Identities are kept anonymous. 

#support #indieauthors Buy all of my erotic books from Rate and read and leave reviews while you’re there. Muah!


I Lick My Own Pussy, Baby!

If only dreams could come true, so easily. I have been floating on a cloud in my sleep about this very thing, auto-cunnilingus, since I was a wee teen.  Upon waking from a self-pussy licking dream, I always have an intense throbbing in my clit that just gnaws at my soul. In my dreams, I can bend forward perfectly and lick me. The shit is impossible when I’m awake. Big tits are in the way, and my stomach is no washboard.  But I am a woman that believes if I dream it enough times, it’s meant for me to do it. I WILL lick my own pussy. Someday I will.  How? Come with me. I will share.

I won’t be getting a rib removed, and I won’t be shifting my internal organs by way of corset waist training as this was how it was likely made possible over a hundred years ago.

Is it shopped? Let’s say no so my hope can live.

Stretching the neck, back, and hamstrings are safer methods to getting your body to become more flexible for the forward bend C. Spending regular time dropping the neck forward and gently pulling it down to your chest with your hands laced behind it, and bending the torso down so that the face is between the legs will lengthen and loosen the muscles in the back and hamstrings. Exercising the hip flexors wouldn’t hurt either. Historically mine has been tight. Stretching and loosening my hip flexors has also improved my posture.

How long before I can lick my twat? 2 years? 3? Is my attention span that long? Maybe I should put up a photo in my bathroom behind the towel rack, to hide it from the minors, as an inspirational shot. When I’m brushing my teeth I will pull back the cloth, admire, then bend.


When my dreams are realized and I can finally touch the tip of my tongue to my clit, will I be gay? Bi golly, no.


Will tasting my own pussy from the fountain directly instead of on my fingertips make me the shit? Obviously!

Will Mr. Drama be threatened by my self-eating abilities? He said he will let me have at it for awhile. His tongue can rest some months. I said no it won’t. I’m greedy. We can both do me at the same time. He said our heads will collide. I said we can maneuver, stop being logical. I’m still dreaming here.

Autocunnilingus, like autofellatio, is the ultimate in self-pleasuring. It couldn’t be a sign of something wrong, deviant, or disturbing. I don’t think the act goes against one’s sexuality. It’s just good, clean, own junk slurping, tasting, and drinking fun.

It’s all the rage! Let’s lick!

Will you?





Check back on this here blog for Tuesday’s reader email. Can we be friends without fucking you in my mind? Use the follow button on the right sidebar and never miss a post by me when you subscribe. You don’t even have to be a WordPress member. Don’t forget to share with your friends. They need me in their lives too.

Reader Email: How Can I Get Him Hard Again?

The Eroticist’s Advice 

Mrs. Princess I love the blog. It’s hot! Can I ask a question for the advice part?

After a man cums how long do you suck his dick to make him hard so you fuck him again? Do you have any techniques to speed up the process?

-Signed, Sucking Him Up For Round Two

Thanks for stopping by and reading! I hope I’m helping you get your weekly fix. I do have an answer for your question.

Every man is different. I don’t know yours, so all I can do is give you generalities.

Some men are quicker to gain an erection after cumming than others, and there’s a few factors that go into that. First, you must look at the age of your man. The younger he is, the sooner it can happen. If he’s older, he isn’t hopeless, but the timeframe between ejaculation and sequel erection will be longer than 15-30 minutes as opposed to how it would be with a younger man. Men reach their sexual peak at about 19 years old (boy how do I miss getting my back blown out by some tenders when was I was 18–mmph! scrumptious).  At that age all men are more likely to cum then get hard again faster than you can blink, but cumming isn’t the same as having an orgasming.

Think of cumming more as the organic result of the act of sex. If you need more clarification of what I’m talking about, check out this post on multi-orgasmic men I wrote not long ago. He could be experiencing much more without releasing any ejaculate. This is something that is ageless too, and it’s possible for any man to experience.

But how does one get their man hard again if they don’t want to wait for nature to take an unassisted course?

My Advice:

Hit his zones.


The picture above  shows the erogenous zones of both the male and female anatomies. Everything in deep red is a spot to access to get your partner turned on. My personal favorites are the neck (side-right), and the V of his crotch. The inner thigh is a good one too. The V is my first go to when I need him erect again quickly.

Graze it with the side of your face, your lips. Blow on it softly. Lick it. Be the turtle to win this race.

Keep your eyes on his dick. Watch it slowly rise. Cup his balls. Suck the tip, then slip all the way down. The dick should be ready for riding in minutes.

That shit should have him begging you to give up your secrets so that he can know how to evade your powers when he just doesn’t want to be reigned over. But will he put up a fight?  He will be sliding into you before he can say “pound me”.





Any more questions? Yea, I thought so.

Now give a round of applause to two of our favorite amateur stars,  Roc & Shay. Google and get into them.

If you have a sexual thing going on you could use some advice about,  write to TheEroticistsAdvice at g mail dot com (make it look like a real email address before sending), and your question will be answered on this blog on Tuesday. Identities are kept anonymous. 

#support #indieauthors Buy all of my erotic books Rate and read and leave reviews while you’re there. Muah!

When Networking Turns Into, “Are We Fuckin’, Or What?”

Here we are again. Only mere months have passed and here I am having to deal again. I suppose it comes in waves. Every few months I am going to have to deal with some dirtbag who thinks the words “erotica author” in my profile means I’m an internet slut for “likes” and promises of buying my book.


I thought only such could happen on Facebook, maybe Twitter. Today, I was christened into the world of fuck-baggery on LinkedIn. I think I was so offended by it because of the site we were on. That’s why I snapped much more quickly than I do on Facebook.

Guys, the dumbasses questions have to stop. People say I look freaky. They can see it in my eyes. Well where do you see the thirst in my eyes? Is it around the outer ring of my iris?

At the time of this posting, said dickhead bitch hits me back after I politely told him to go and sit on an ice cold one, and said “it’s not personal, he’s on LinkedIn to network”.


Bitch! Quit lying. What does my background AS A PERSON, not my professional background have to do with shit. Either you want to buy a book, or you want to discuss working with me. Neither of these require personal questions.

To you, sir, and all of your wacked cousins, I wish your computer or phone would blow up on your lap and your ass is castrated as a result. It would surely be a celebration time for me.




Follow this blog in the sidebar to receive notifications in your emails every time I update. In the next post I will give advice to a reader on getting a man hard again after ejaculating. If you need some advice, write to me: TheEroticistsAdvice@ g mail dot com.