The Reason Why I Don’t Like Big Dicks Up My Ass

It’s true. I don’t. Only medium dicks up my ass, please.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way….

Seeing how I don’t like big dicks up the ass like ‘Tuan, who used to be known as Don Juan (get it, it’s from an Ice Cube song, ah forget it.), I take strong offense to getting taken for my money. To me, big dick anal and getting cheated are acts against the psyche that run along the same lines. But that’s exactly how I felt after enrolling my book into Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing program: ripped from the rooter to the tooter and cheated out of my paper the whole time they had me bent over.

During the time I’d agreed to publish my book through KDP, I was strapped to the ankle of my big boss Although I’d written, edited, and formatted my own book, holding all (U.S.) copyrights to the work, I could not publish my book, for the agreed up 90 day timeframe, on any other platform, including putting it on my own site for sale. Yet, I was willing to do it, since it was my first time formally publishing anything.

By clicking “agree”, I was taking a spin of the wheel to see if it would work for me. All signs pointed to “yes it will work, you will sell 500-10-leven-million books on Amazon with this eBook”.

Ha! That was a damn lie! I didn’t sell enough to make a half a droplet in a bucket that could hold that much money. For me, KDP was not hot. It didn’t feel right.

I started researching to see what I could do to improve my sales. I came up with a ton of links from my searches that suggested that I was writing for the wrong genre. Cool. I get it. The erotica boom is now dust. I’m okay with that. I’ve always written adult stories, and I always will.

There wasn’t anything I could do about that issue, so I kept searching for other solutions. Moving on.

Not only was  I writing the wrong genre (apparently I should be writing paranormal, fantasy, or urban/street books, anything but sexual intimacy), no one knew I had books out there. Thanks a lot Amazon.

Around about month two into the agreement, I learned that Amazon was cracking down on the adult titles it chose to allow for publishing on their platform. Le sigh. Great! Now no one could see my book because Amazon didn’t want anyone to see it. Searching erotica on there, and any themes that I’d attached to my book, would not get you my book.

Fine! I can understand the desire to keep children away from adult material (that’s what I learned the issue to be through Google). No problem. But why in the entire FUCK would you even accept my book into KDP if you weren’t going to put in front of buyers?

Oh, I’ll tell you why they did it. They are out to make money, and lots of it. And they planned to keep most of the coins that I made too.

Depending on how much you price your book, (you DO have that liberty with KDP), you can keep 30-70% of your book profits/royalties (you keep even less if your book is published by a traditional publishing company, gigantic or small-you have to split the royalty percentage with the house that publishes you) your ass is likely going to be a tad bit red and sore from all of the big dick pounding you’re going to get by publishing through KDP.

Many authors and publishers, are under the impression that the lower you price your book, the more books you sell. That could be true. A low price may attract buyers, but you won’t be making more money, unless you sell double, sometimes triple what you would make if you priced your book higher  than $1. With such a culture of pricing and buying on a site as large as Amazon, it becomes quite difficult to stand out from the crowd, to break the mold.

I am not cool, at all, with selling my books for $.99. I just think it’s horrible. I am not with giving it away either, but both practices have become the standard for pricing books on the eBook retailer. In my opinion, the only time this is acceptable is during a sale periods (you can do that too through KDP, and even make your book free for 5 days out of 90). And I don’t think a sale should run on forever, or should there be a $.99 sale every other week on a book.

So, since I am not down with giving my books away, you know the things I come up with from out of my own creativity and spend my time crafting, I prefer not to publish full eBook versions on Amazon.

When the agreement to publish strictly with Amazon ended, I had found better options. I reintroduced myself to Gumroad.

Years ago, I bought something sold through Gumroad. There were no problems with the transaction, everything was smooth. I was charged correctly, and I received my product, so I had good faith in choosing the site to upload my eBooks for sale. It was super simple to do so and they take major credit cards.

But the best thing was that they took less money than Amazon KDP. Right now you can buy the eBook version of “Submit” for $3.50. Gumroad charges me only 5% of each sale, plus $.25. So for each book sold I can make $3.07 per sale. On Amazon, selling for the same price, I would make $2.45 per copy sold (that’s if my royalties are set to 70%). 

Yep, my book is priced higher than many novellas or short books on Amazon, but it’s worth it. It’s well written, and I put good time into it, and it makes the point that it’s supposed to. It makes you hot and ready to fuck (or at least masturbate). Seeing that my book isn’t on Amazon in full (you can buy a teaser version for $.99, ha!), I don’t have to worry about having my book lined up beside someone else’s with the same amount of pages, priced at $.99.

To the cheapster, my price is outrageous. Cheapsters go for the discount price (some don’t), every time because they don’t want to spend very much. Or, they think I’m uppity. Either way, I lose on again with Amazon if I sell my eBook on there. Some will say I should conform, that it’s not that bad, that it’s bigger so it’s better.

For me, it is about sharing my gift for telling stories, but it is also about making money, and making the largest amount in the most cost-effective way. I couldn’t care less that everyone sells their books on there. That’s just what you think. They don’t! I’ve seen plenty of eBooks (manuals, textbooks, novels, story collections, etc.) not sold on Amazon. They’re out there.

It’s just that the crowd is going with Amazon, and they’re losing money because of it.

In the event that you still like to hold physical books in your hand, you can buy “Submit” from CreateSpace. I’m looking for the most cost-effective solution for that soon too for 2014. Currently, the best thing I’ve found to do is to hand sell paperbacks.

In conclusion, I hope this post sums up my thought process for sliding off that big ol’ Amazon dick and keeping my sphincter intact. I don’t like like big dicks up my asshole.


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